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Aide anglais correction

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Dernière réponse : dans Etudes - Travail
26 Septembre 2009 14:08:43

bonjour, l' anglais n'est pas mon fort, j'ai tenté de faire un comentaire de 300 mots où il fallait répondre à la question suivante: What is your idea of a perfect holidays ?

Voici mon commentaire:
In Paradise News by David Lodge, The character Sheldrake explains that « Tourism is the new world religion ». Indeed, in 2008, there are seven hundred and fifty million international travellers.To leave on holidays is not today a luxury, everyone can leave on holidays.

To me, a perfect holidays will be to go in the U.S.A with my friends and to associate cultural activities and leisure activities.
First of all, as regards the question of cultural activities, It will allow me, to improve my general culture, indeed I will visit museums, monuments.Then, my holidays in the U.S.A will allow me to live differently, to know another lifestyle.Furthermore I shall like to learn a culture different from mine, and it will allow me, to improve my english to communicate with the Americans and the people who speaks english.I would like to learn the history of the country. Finally, I would like to discover magnificent landscapes of the U.S.A; for exemple, i would like to see the Grand caynon

Secondly, as regards the question of leisure activities, my holidays allow me to relax, to rest, and I shall get a tan in Miami, because the sun makes happy. I shall amuse myself, with my friends, i will do new meetings. Finally, for that my holidays are perfect, i shall do lot of sport, i shall go boating, shall go canoeing, shall go waterskiing and shall go surfing, and i shall go extreme sport , my dream is to do parachute.

According to me, it represents the perfect holidays, to associate leisure activities and cultural activities,which allows to grow rich intellectually and in the same time to unwind. But , what's the price to pay for all that? Because the mere consumption of energy entailed is stupendous,What is bad for the environment.

Voilà, j'y ai passé toute la matinée dessus, pouvez vous me corriger svp?

Merci d'avance

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26 Septembre 2009 23:52:27

treborn71 a dit :
bonjour, l' anglais n'est pas mon fort, j'ai tenté de faire un comentaire de 300 mots où il fallait répondre à la question suivante: What is your idea of a perfect holidays ?

Voici mon commentaire:
In Paradise News by David Lodge, The character Sheldrake explains that « Tourism is the new world religion ». Indeed, in 2008, there are seven hundred and fifty million international travellers.To leave on holidays is not a luxury today , everyone can go on holidays.

To me, a perfect holidays would be to go in the U.S.A with my friends and to associate cultural activities and leisure activities.
First of all, as regards the question of cultural activities, It will allow me to improve my general culture, indeed I will visit museums, monuments.Then, my holidays in the U.S.A will allow me to live differently, to know another lifestyle.Furthermore I shall like to learn a culture different from mine, and it will allow me to improve my english to communicate with the Americans and the people who speaks english.I would like to learn the history of the country. Finally, I would like to discover the magnificent landscapes of the U.S.A; for exemple, i would like to see the Grand caynon

Secondly, as regards the question of leisure activities, my holidays allow me to relax, to rest, and I shall get a tan in Miami, because the sun makes happy. I shall amuse myself, with my friends, i will do new meetings. Finally, so that my holidays are perfect, i shall do lot of sport, i shall go boating, shall go canoeing, shall go waterskiing and shall go surfing, and i shall godo extreme sports : my dream is to do parachute.

According to me, it represents the perfect holidays, to associate leisure activities and cultural activities which allows to grow rich intellectually and in the same time to unwind. But , what's the price to pay for all that? Because the mere consumption of energy entailed is stupendous,wich is bad for the environment.

Voilà, j'y ai passé toute la matinée dessus, pouvez vous me corriger svp?

Merci d'avance


Le code couleur:
- en bleu les phrases ou j'ai juste replace les mots dans le bon sens
- en rouge les mots que j'ai remplace
- en gras les passages sur lesquels je vais revenir


Les fautes recurrentes:
"it will allow, me" => pourquoi la virgule apres "allow" ?
"Cela va me permettre" On ne met pas de virgule en francais donc pas besoin d'en mettre en anglais non plus.

En general aussi tu as tendance a trop utiliser de virgules a trop de moment: essaie de formuler des phrases completes et fluides, il ne faut pas les entrecouper tous les 3 mots avec des virgules. Vraiment ton texte plein de virgules est penible a lire...

Bref:
- "to associate" s'utilise plutot pour dire qu'on rencontre quelqu'un:
to associate with someone.
Pour dire qu'on veut associer des activite ou les melanger, on dirait "to mix":
To go on holidays mixing social and cultural events.

- the sun makes happy.
Le soleil rend qui/quoi heureux ?

- new meetings = nouveaux rendez vous.
Que veux tu dire a ce moment ?

Sinon, pas besoin de repeter le verbe quand on enumere les activites, c'est comme en francais: on ne dit pas "je ferais du cheval, je ferais du velo, je ferais du bateau, je ferais de la dance aquatique, je ferais les courses", on prefere dire "je ferais du velo, de la voile, de la danse et les courses".

Sinon, c'est assez correct sur le plan de l'anglais, c'est vraiment la ponctuation qui pose un enorme probleme: tu as plus de virgules en une phrase que j en'en ais dans toute ma reponse. ;) 

partage
17 Octobre 2009 11:58:46

j'ai eu la note de 18/20, en terminale, ça reste trés rare merci beaucoup Dafen@IDN ^^
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